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Nov. 14th, 2009

I have mental health people coming to see me now, i'm so fucking scared i'm doing this all by my self, you know how scared i get and im so scared i'm already crying...

If you're reading this...

It shows you still check up on me to see how I am if I am ok...
If not its just pointless words put together pointlessly.
All i wanted you to do is care about me is to for me how I cared about you.
When I said for you to never talk to me again all you had to say was "lol. ok" you didn't even fight for me? Don't you miss me?
People tell me to be strong and show no emotion, but truth be told I was completely and uttley inlove with you. And that makes me think weren't you inlove with me to not care back for me? Am i just this stupid little girl who fell for you that you didn't give 2 fucks about?
I'm hurting so bad and i'm trying to not let it get to me but I am lying to my self. It sucks you're still all I ever think about and writting this I still can't help but cry despite how much I try and hold it back. I am pouring my heart out whatever is left of it anyways and Im not even sure if you will read this, knowing my luck while writing this you're out fucking some other girl and the thought is killing me.
Did you not mean it when you said you wanted to marry me?
Did you not mean it when you said you wanted to have a future with me? With bubbies, pugs, just basically a fucking zoo? All the nice cars and a nice home to take bubbies out to play soccer on the weekends? Was it all just a sick fucking joke to play with my head?
I thought you would love me forever...
You'll never be able to find someone like me to tell how big your poos were, to pick gross stuff on each other, to fall asleep with, fuck to not even shave and give a fuck no matter what i still loved you.
And you don't even want me and im just so fucking pathetic so fucking pathetic even writting this!
Don't you miss sunday drives?
I thought you would miss me, but obviously you must of not love me that much to not even care just to throw me away.
Doesn't everything remind you of me?
Don't you miss me don't you even fucking care?
I guess not.

P.S.

I was thinking and was feeling really bad what happened etc BUT you know what she didn't want me in the first place. She couldn't handle me or want me anymore and got rid of me so why did i even try asking her back? because i love her? but she didnt even love me anymore so whatever i was single i am not going to get upset about it. what is done is done.
KBAI.

I am not off rails YET

Maybe this new medication is working because despite not being wanted i feeel FANTASTIC!
unlike the past days HMMM.
NEW START NEW BLOG NEW JOB NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE I THINK. GOODBYE LIVE JOURNAL YOU SEVERED ME WELL. THANK YOU BYE.
"Yet i have a hard time remembering all the
things i should remember
And a hard time forgetting all the things i am suppose to forget.
And when you're ready to come back.
Then I think I'm ready for you to come back;
But If you want to stay wherever exactly it is you are,
That's ok too... It's really none of my business."
my bottom lip trembles and my eyes build up into tears till the point i can't hold them anymore and they fall down my cheeks on to my books.

i feel so stupid like an idiot, letting the general public see me cry.

my world has been single handly ripped apart... but in the beging it was my fault. i got my self into this.

i long for you to want me. i long for you the day you want me back.


no one can compare to you.

i don't know how long i can keep doing this for....

I NEED YOU

I AM FREAKING OUT
I CANT DEAL WITH THIS
USUALLY YOU ARE HERE TO PICK ME UP SAVE ME WHEN YOU FALL
AND NOW I AM BEYOND ROCK BOTTOM
ALL I HAVE IS MY ACCOUNTING AND I FEEL IT SLIPPING AWAY FROM MY FINGERS
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
TEARS ARE ROLLING DOWN MY FACE
I AM NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE
I BET YOU DIDNT MISS THIS ABOUT ME
I NEED YOU....
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR THE THURSDAY (5TH)....
:(

i give her a few more weeks or days.

before she just completly stops talking to me / sending me hate messages. And forget about me.

Anywayssssss i bought my self all new jewerly ive always wanted a key necklace so i got my self the most prettiest key its to protect my heart and say its locked away foreverrrrr so no one can get it and i got my self a new super cute ring. Yeppyepppp movies tomorrow i realllllly want to see up! Keen for sushi as welll feels so long since ive had any ive been a piggy and had maccas twice today eeeeeeks
fkfcmkflfld

Busy busy busy day

Full of erronds and exams blah blah blah.
I bought my soundwave ticket last week yewwwwww!
And just recently i found out the Big day out line up, keen as fuck hello next pay going on more music festivals. Hahah.
I like busy days, this whole me leaving the house is quite healthy for me....
Fingers crossed and wish me luck for my job interview tomorrow! :D

Wow....

So i scared my self today, an actually relisation of how bad my emotions can take controll over me.
I did something i really regret lucky no harm was done. Just fuck.
So i guess i am kinda on a new leaf with my self to try and control my anger etc...
I am sitting at my desk trying to study for this exam tomorrow and the procedures don't seem quite to sink in my head....
*Sigh*
I am dead poor. Tried calling Joanne to change my appointment for friday because that is when i get paid....
On a plus i got a job interview i answered the phone crying ~great~ first impression. Fuck.
But yeah its this Wednesday for telechoice. Fingers crossed i get it i could reallly do with extra cash and i think having to actually go out side of my room will be healthy for me.....
I am a poor girl with expensive taste.